“I am sorry for your loss” I do not think there exists a less inadequate word in the face of grief and yet there is nothing else to say. We have all lost a loved one or know someone who has. It is like our eyes get opened and we suddenly realize that our loved ones are immortal and the anxiety starts. We spend endless nights worrying if we will lose someone else, after all the clock is ticking.
The disbelief that you can never call them again, hear their laughter or their voice is the tip of the iceberg. The pain is so numbing it hurts to breath, your mind constantly whirls with thoughts that make little to no sense. You operate on autopilot, it is a nightmare you tell yourself and you have to eventually wake up only you never.
I remember that day as if it was just yesterday, funny how you wake up and you do not realize your life is about to be forever changed.. I would watch him sleep and feel for any sign of life, sometimes I would wake him just to make sure. I must have looked like a fool thinking that my gaze and touch could keep him breathing just a little bit longer. I thought in all my selfishness I could will him to stay in the land of the living. When he finally breathed his last I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders especially when we had to leave him behind. I remember thinking what if he wakes up and he is all alone and freezing, maybe he was alive and the doctors couldn’t tell. I still left and the guilt ate at me, guilt over leaving him and wondering if we had done enough to get him the best care. Still you have to hide the pain because you are not the only one suffering or grieving and you have to be strong they say. It is the cycle of life.
The condolences begin to pour in and for a minute you just want everyone to stop treating you like you are fragile China. Every one tip toes around the loss and treat you like a nut case waiting to crack at the mention of your loved one. You do not want to look in their eyes because you will see the pity while all you crave for is for someone to act normal around you. Then that day, when dust returns to dust comes. You realize things just got real, your loved one is never coming home again, never calling or picking your calls, you are never seeing them again. They are gone.
Everybody else goes home and you are expected to go on with life, pick up the pieces and man up. You want to hide from the world, sleep all day, and forget you even have a job or friends. You worry that you won’t be able to keep their memory alive. You will forget their face, voice or the sound of their laughter. If you let it, depression will set in. It is an ugly monster so you have to fight it or seek help. They say time heals all wounds but I strongly refute this. The pain never goes away; the tears never truly dry nor does life ever go back to normal. But we take comfort in the hope that they are watching over us and they would want us to be happy. We soldier on and put on a brave face because that is who we are, resilient with an unbreakable spirit and heart. We can still love them from the other side of life; we can still say their name and keep their memory alive. And in all this maybe we can learn to treasure those who are still with us.